Barkerburgh

Seven words you won’t be able to say on TV anymore.

I will always laugh about Cardinal Glick.
(more…)

It’s 5:01am Friday, August 11, 2006. I’m house-sitting. I’m in a mood and I don’t have my classic Pogues or The Clash (”London Calling”).

Other people’s homes. Jeezes.

Cats, customs, neighbours, neighbourhoods, the life.

At home, I’d still be asleep.

I woke up. I’m going to watch the rest of “The Aristocrats”. I’ve never seen the whole thing. I almost typed “The Aristocats.” If you’ve already seen “The Aristocrats”, that might be funny. If you’ve already seen “The Aristocats” and that’s not funny, you might already be a redneck. Joking.

Seriously.

(I’m on a Mac. I’m a PC guy. I’m not a dancing-magic-crazy-ass-jeezes-boy for Microsoft, but once y’all click on something, shouldn’t y’all get what y’all click on? Macheads: no, y’all don’t!)

Still and all, writing my novel.

(Whoa, how almost properly punctuated stream-0f-consciousness was all of that?)

And now for something completely different.

And now for something completely the same.

There wasn’t one.

There was going to be one. I wrote a few paragraphs about three extraordinary dreams I had on Monday night, involving 1) Stargate SG-1 and Cylons (sic), 2) a charismatic gang-leader in a Toronto with Dickensian Faginian touches, and 3) a community centre pot-luck banquet. I was going to post them to my Livejournal but thought “No.”

I typed them in to WordPress, remembering more details as I typed, then hit ‘Advanced Editing’ which, in WordPress gives you more options for editing. At that very microsecond in time, frickin’ tnir.org went south, pear-shaped, off on a comet, beyond the blue event horizon, into the mystic, retrograde, toes-up, into the outer darkness, and so forth.

I lost my post entirely.

Boy, was I pissed, let me tell you and you can believe it.

And no, I don’t feel like typing all that in again.

Jeezes. Tnir’s been offline/fubared so long I forgot what I was going to say.

Check back later.

What Are The Christmas Slides?

1> They are Christmas decoration jpegs created from Powerpoint slides (the Powerpoint presentation is included).

2> The usable portion of each 8.5 by 11 slide is an 8.5 by 8.5 square divided into four triangles.

3> When colour-printed or printed black-and-white then hand coloured, each triangle is a Christmas decoration, for the tree or mantlepiece or window.

4> On each page - 4 versions of the same design - , two of the triangles have the point at the top and two have the point at the bottom.

How to Use The Christmas Slides

1> Browse the slides and see which ones you like.

2> Print the ones you select.

3> Colour them manually if you only have a black-and-white printer.

4> Cut them out. It’s easy, they’re just triangles.

5> For tree decorations (keep them away from the lights!) form them into a ring like a napkin ring and seal them with glue, tape, staples or those little brass button things with the two flanges that you spread, you know what I mean.

6> For window decorations you can join the edges of several of them to create a garland.

7> Remember to use them on the tree, window, etc, take a picture, post it so I think you’ve used them, and take them off, then keep them handy in case I drop my unexpectedly during the holidays.

8> Merry Christmas!

What Are The Christmas Slides?

1> They are Christmas decoration jpegs created from Powerpoint slides (the Powerpoint presentation is included).

2> The usable portion of each 8.5 by 11 slide is an 8.5 by 8.5 square divided into four triangles.

3> When colour-printed or printed black-and-white then hand coloured, each triangle is a Christmas decoration, for the tree or mantlepiece or window.

4> On each page - 4 versions of the same design - , two of the triangles have the point at the top and two have the point at the bottom.

How to Use The Christmas Slides

1> Browse the slides and see which ones you like.

2> Print the ones you select.

3> Colour them manually if you only have a black-and-white printer.

4> Cut them out. It’s easy, they’re just triangles.

5> For tree decorations (keep them away from the lights!) form them into a ring like a napkin ring and seal them with glue, tape, staples or those little brass button things with the two flanges that you spread, you know what I mean.

6> For window decorations you can join the edges of several of them to create a garland.

7> Remember to use them on the tree, window, etc, take a picture, post it so I think you’ve used them, and take them off, then keep them handy in case I drop my unexpectedly during the holidays.

8> Merry Christmas!

A week ago yesterday (yesterday being Sunday, thus the day in question being the Sunday previous…) I fell on the road, once on the way to the library and once on the way back. There’d been that snowstorm the night previous. I had on snow boots of the type we called ’snowmobile boots’ in my youth, that are good on actual snow, but useless on partially shovelled walks or the slick sections of ploughed roads.

By Monday I was feeling it, not great pain, just annoying twinges in the right knee, my arthritic right hip, my neck and my elbow.

I thought I was getting better but the last two days I feel that I worked out for the first time in months and then somebody beat me up, and then I fell out of a tree.

(I am reminded of a joke. Ronnie, write this down. ‘A man broke his leg in two places. I guess he should stay out of those two places.’)

Back to my story. No, I guess that’s it.

(I am reminded of another joke. Ronnie. ‘I just met a man with a wooden leg named Smith. Oh. What was the name of his other leg?)

(”Madam, I fear I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it.” “Well that’s all very well and good, but how are you at catching mice?”)

Hunh. I suddenly feel much better.

Now we know.

But I was betting Flanders. We already knew about Rod and Todd in the future.

*And Peggy Hill ain’t no ugly monkey neither. There was this one scene with her in a negligee, oh man…

So when your DVD player dies dead thrice, you have no choice but to watch the VHS movies you borrowed from the public library, even though you have this stash of DVDs borrowed from the library and from friends. Rrrr.

Yesterday I picked up “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” from the library, knowing it was less than well-received by Kevin Smith’s fans in generals and critics in particular. But it is Kevin Smith.

Well, I laughed my guts out. Ever since I saw a four hour compilation of Smith’s cross-America college talk tour taped off Pay-TV, I’ve had a new respect for him. I used to just think he was funny, now I know he’s smart too. It’s obvious in this movie, he’s matured a lot in comedic terms (and maybe comically too, I don’t know, ask his wife…) and the complex self-referential nature of the film, without being self-reverential, is satisfying and funny.

I’m am now looking forward to seeing Jersey Girl (previously not so much), which has not appeared yet in Toronto’s public library system.

It looks like he’s got some interesting stuff going on. I’m especially interested in ‘Fletch Won’ (qv)and ‘Passion of the Clerks’ (qv).

Anybody have a non-DVD copy of the animated series ‘Clerks‘?