Barkerburgh

A gift from Anneli…

Getting into Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates an angel tells
him, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths that some people will go to in order to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

The angel snaps her fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appears. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his Theory of Relativity.

The angel is suitably impressed, “You really are Einstein!” she says. “Welcome to Heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again the angel asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

The angel says “Go ahead.”

Picasso sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

“Surely you are the great artist you claim to be” says the angel. “Come on in.”

The angel then looks up and sees George W. Bush. The angel scratches her head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

The angel stands aside and says, “OK, George come on in.”

I give you Warp Factor Love.

Kittens, hearts and rainbows, my friends. Kittens, hearts and rainbows.

When I was visiting Guildwood a while back, I took a look at Reid’s list of movies and TV shows that he’s downloaded.

Here’s just a sample.

Now, I would never stoop to such a thing, and I have been rewarded.

Last night, I was transported by the new film “Doctor Who and the Christmas Invasion.” Now I know that all my immoral, unethical friends have already seen it but this was the first time for me.

It was a blast that rocked. I’d been waiting for it for a while and had my snacks and juice boxes all ready.

Yee haaaa!

It ran a little bit shy of its 90 minute time slot, and as a reward, I got to see the Christmas edition of Nick Park and Aardman Studios’ ‘Creature Comforts‘.

Now if you haven’t heard of or seen them, well let me just tell you that they took ‘man on the street’ type interviews and animated them in Aardman’s classic Claymation-type stop-motion style of those shows about the guy and that dog, only with animals as the speakers…

I say I was rewarded because my immoral and unethical friends who watched ‘The Christmas Invasion’ via download back at Hallowe’en probably didn’t watch it last night because of it was commercial television and so missed this little stocking stuffer.

It’s against my nature but I want so hard to feel smug. Really smug. The smuggiest. Smug-arama comin’ atcha down the train tracks! In-your-face smug-and-a-half.

But I won’t, because instead, I feel humble and blessed.

Na-na-na-Na-na-na!

Laugh blah blah Beau Bridges as Earl’s dad blah blah Brett blah blah Dog River blah blah

I was over at Chez PL&J (the real one) the other night for a fine chicken pot pie dinner and no brownies.

Haven’t visited for a while even though I can practically spit from my back window to their front door, although I wouldn’t.

We sat around and yacked and laughed and, later, while they were tucking Jon in, I watched some (if not all) of the hilarious “Sacrilege Moments” made by P & L’s buddy Brad Birch (Himself corrected this, thanks Pedro, I even meant to type ‘Birch’ the first time and overcompensated in reverse…) for the Comedy Network a few years back. They’re a parodic yet patriotic riff on the Heritage Foundation’s “Heritage Moments”, broadcast several years ago to goose Canadian spirit. All I can hint at is ‘Windy the Poop’, and the soldier’s ‘hometown of Windsor’. And I won’t even mention ‘potato flakes’ or ‘Broadway Joe’.

Later, we watched some cool trailers and videos I hadn’t seen. One of my two favourites was a faked up trailer for a movie called “Shining” with Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall, about a boy, his writer father, and Family, with ‘Salisbury Hill’ playing in the background. You had to be there, so perhaps you should be.

The best trailer was for Peter Jackson’s “King Kong“. God almighty, it looks awesome. I’m a tad worried about content and substance, but even if it’s shallow as Julia Roberts, it’ll still be just as pretty.

(The title of this post is original, but as usual when I am that clever, I googled it and got this. Imagine that; all them folks smart as me. Still darn funny.)

Jeepers H. Jingling Cripes.

CNN reports that stupid fncking Fox has cancelled both Arrested Development and Kitchen Confidential.

Rrrr.

What is it with Canadian shows like The Rick Mercer Report and Popcultured?

They’re not the only culprits but they shall stand as exemplars. And to be clear, I am definitely not including Corner Gas in this group. Good old Corner Gas.

Simply put, if you have three minutes to fill and you need say twenty jokes, you don’t just write the twenty jokes.

It’s standard theory that you write fifty or sixty jokes and then pick the best twenty. Look it up, it’s been that way since the 15th Century, although there are enigmatic references in Saint Augustine, not the one in Florida. Hold da Vinci up to a mirror, you’ll see.

I’d been waiting for The Rick Mercer Report to premiere and when it did, about five minutes into it I just flipped the channel.

Now, Popcultured apparently wants to be the Canadian Daily Show, but it suffers the same problem. Sometimes it comes across as the result of a bunch of high school buddies sitting around stoned on cheap weed laughing like hell at the first twenty jokes that come out of their mouths. “Oh, man! I hope I remember this tomorrow!”

Shemp is hemp backwards, indeed.

Popcultured’s only true emulation of American television is the perpetuation of the tradition of Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen De Generes as lesbian comperes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I suppose I should point out, in all fairness, that you can also steal other people’s jokes that you know work, if you can’t come up with fifty or sixty of your own.

I cannot remember a sitcom season when I laughed out loud so heartily and surprisedly as I have this fall with Corner Gas and My Name Is Earl.

Earl was new this week and was so goddam funny I pretty much didn’t stop laughing the whole half hour. The ketchup! The ashes! The knives!

It was funnier than Battlestar Galactica, the old one I mean.

Starting with a cameo by the Prime Minister, Corner Gas on Monday was just great, and I mean funnier than any Canadian sitcom ever was. Partly because the competition is mainly things like Mosquito Lake and The Trouble with Tracy, but even if those had been any good…

And if you care, Stephen Colbert’s own show ‘The Colbert Report’, apparently pronounced ‘The Cole-bear Re-pore’, is going to be on CTV at 12:35 am (Himself corrected the time to am from pm because he always gets them confused…) after ‘The Daily Show’ starting next Monday.

I hope it doesn’t suck as much as ‘The Daily Show’.

Just when I was thinking that Canadian politics was boring, along comes the Gomery Report and I’m nailed to the TV, bouncing between Newsworld, Newsnet and CP24 just to see who’s saying what.

Then the American Democrats, those competitive Yanks, have to go and lock down the Senate for two hours in order to force a resolution to the whole buggered and butchered pre-war intel thing, promised for a year by the Republicans.

Ya can’t laugh for cryin’, my friends. And, thank god, vice versa.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

God’s honest, my friends. God’s honest.

PS, thanks to Anneli for the true story.

Well, I laughed my guts out for nearly ninety minutes solid last night.

First, there was the season premiere of ‘Arrested Development’, a rip-snorter of a comedy anyway, but a double on the rocks with a twist (or three) last night. Charlize Theron and Dave Thomas (yes, OUR Dave Thomas) guested and - never mind, I can’t describe it properly if you’ve never seen it and if you’ve never seen it, you won’t get it, kind of like if you don’t like golf, which I don’t.

Now, I was a little worried about the second episode of ‘Kitchen Confidential’ (based on the memoirs of chef Anthony Bourdain, as Leslie kindly reminded me), but it rocked. If they can keep this up and not poop out, as shows like this have done throughout the history of American television sitcoms, she’s a keeper.

That was one hour.

The last half hour was ‘The Daily Show’ at midnight on Hurricane Rita. ‘Nuff said.

The second episode of ‘My Name is Earl’ is on tonight. Fingers crossed and breath bated.

PS, I went for a too long walk in new shoes and my feet are killing me, like a Mongol on a peasant, swear to God. Wish me well, ie leave a comment. Remember that I equate comments with love, approbation and validation.

PPS, the Lotsa Larfs part is obvious, the Sex was in ‘Kitchen Confidential’.