Barkerburgh

I could use some additions to this list. Whaddaya got?

1> Your teeth are white enough, your house smells fine, you’re tall enough, you don’t need a goddam Swiffer. Don’t believe anything - anything -you hear in a TV commercial, even the ones with grossly mistreated puppies or genuinely starving children. Everybody’s got an angle. You’re a rube and you’re the mark, one way or another.

2> Whatever it is that you don’t think you should try, but want to; don’t try it. Unless you really want to, you have excellent insurance that won’t be invalidated by doing it, and your loved ones understand your desire. You-know-or-like best two out of three.

3> Be persistent, but see #2.

4> I’ve worked in retail. The customer always thinks they’re right. The same goes for managing a telecommunications network. The same goes for your boss.

5> Bacon and eggs and coffee always smell better than they actually taste. So do a lot of things. But not everything. Fresh picked arugula, for example. You decide.

6> Snobs are nobs. But see #7.

7> If you don’t have a conscience - and you know who you are - pretend that you do. “The most important thing is sincerity, and once you learn to fake that…”

8> Learn where the bodies are buried early on, so you have leverage, but, mixing metaphors, don’t show your hand too soon. Cultivate a poker face.

9> Learn to cook well.

10> Learn to clean up after yourself.

11> Certain people may tell you you’re too fill-in-the-blank. Screw ‘em.

12> There’s winners and there’s losers, but everybody dies.

13> Carpe diem, and make lemonade when you have to.

14> When all else fails, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again.

15> Mistakes = experience, but only if you’re paying attention. Remember that definition of insanity.

16> Always begin at the beginning and start as you mean to go on because well begun is half done. It’s called the Poppins Principle.

17> Listen to the experts, but they’re only experts, not God.

18> God is not an expert. He is a generalist.

18a> God does not exist, God luv ya.

19> Resort to base trickery when you have to, because the other guy almost certainly will.

20> Everybody’s an asshole except you and me and I ain’t too goddam sure about you.

21> If it ain’t broke, break it. Everything can be improved, to the limit of available technology and human imagination, so keep up with the current state of technology and use your imagination to the max. See #25.

22> Never be idle at work. There’s always something to learn, to review, to improve, to fix, to share, to steal, to integrate.

23> Choose your friends wisely. Even though sometimes you have no choice in the matter. Like practically everything, that last fact is a blessing and a curse. Sometimes you end up with great friends, sometimes you realize how close you’re keeping your enemies.

24> When you’re at the top of your game, you have nowhere to go but down. So stay on top. See #21.

25> You ain’t rustproof. You ain’t shatterproof. You ain’t even stain-resistant. You should strive to be like Caesar’s wife. But that’s idealistic rubbish; do your best, be honourable, don’t lie (unless you have to, and you feel you can defend the lie later), respect your co-workers, unless they’re assholes (so screw them before they screw you, because they will, I learned that one the hard way) and remember that Ann Landers was wrong when she said that Time Wounds All Heels; some absolute sunzabitches die at great age in their own beds with their families around them.

25> Do your best. But next time, do better.

26> Everybody else is an idiot. And so are you. Start at #1.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 28th, 2008 at 11:50 pm and is filed under Still Laughing About That Eric Idle Line. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.