Barkerburgh

Here’s the good version of ‘For Will in the Windows’ and the sequel ‘Maia’s Book’.

I found them in a directory on tnir with the useless name of ‘holding’. If I could, I’d reach back through a time portal and give myself a good smack for that. I didn’t get smacked by a disembodied hand back then, so I won’t be doing it, but maybe it’s the Grandfather Paradox thing…you know, since I didn’t get smacked, I used that directory name, so I will get smacked, so I won’t use that name, and so on…

I just realized that the elevator accident on University Avenue was in the building that I used to work at when I was with Nortel seven years ago!

Never took that particular elevator since it goes to the parking garage level and I don’t drive, nevertheless, I feel that I really dodged that bullet.

Makes me think the universe is looking out for me.

Funny way to show it though.

I’d rather be rich.

“For Will in the Windows”

Does anybody have a copy of my short story from a few years ago?

I can’t find it at home or in my email (as an attachment to a Sent item) and I’m hoping one of you many folks can help.

You may have it and not know it if you didn’t read it when I sent it.

It will be a MS Word file with a ‘.doc’ extension, possibly with the substring ‘will’ in the filename.

It would likely be in your inbox, from one of these accounts: ‘dwjoyes@yahoo.com’, ‘dwjoyes@tnir.org’ or ‘dwjoyes@barker.tnir.org’.

Karmologically speaking, you’d be ‘rolling in clover’ if you can help me out.

And karmologically speaking, if you can help me out and don’t, well, in your next life don’t come sliming to me, gurgling ‘like sorry, dude, it was late when I like checked my email and I like forgot…’

Cuz I’ll just DEET, Raid® or salt ya.

I have to give credit to two supergroups for their work in making the world a better place.

First, U2, especially Bono (real name is Fionnbár Vocks-Feinstein, an Irish Jew from Brooklyn), whose campaign against AIDS in Africa and for Third World debt relief is admirable.

Secondly, the Who, tireless campaigners with the UN around the world against diseases of all kinds, most recently SARS and ‘bird flu’.

Props, guys. Peace out.

Please see the America’s Most Loathsome People link on the sidebar. Honestly, I had to look up who some of these people were, but the ones I recognized, I heartily endorsed their being on the list. I watch the Daily Show, so I know all about this stuff.

The South Park episode about Scientology and Tom Cruise is on Comedy tonight.

Tragedy tomorrow.

A gift from Anneli…

Getting into Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates an angel tells
him, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths that some people will go to in order to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

The angel snaps her fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appears. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his Theory of Relativity.

The angel is suitably impressed, “You really are Einstein!” she says. “Welcome to Heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again the angel asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

The angel says “Go ahead.”

Picasso sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

“Surely you are the great artist you claim to be” says the angel. “Come on in.”

The angel then looks up and sees George W. Bush. The angel scratches her head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

The angel stands aside and says, “OK, George come on in.”

Tom Swift Lives! Seriously.

And howzabout ‘The Complete Tom Swift Jr. Home Page‘?

I had most of these books when I was a lad, the hardback versions, not the later paperbacks.

I loved the ’science’ and the adventure, read them all to pieces.

Can’t believe the flashbacks I’m having just researching the links and verifying the info for this post. Wow. Better than Star Trek.

My favourite took place in ‘Ngombia’ in west Africa. It was called “Tom Swift and His Repelatron Skyway,” a magnetically suspended highway above jungle swamps. That flying machine in the cover picture on that page is actually laying the roadbed in the air; you can see the repeller device in the jungle below.

There were dinosaurs too . Years later, when I heard about mkele mbembe, I wondered which came first…

Then there was “Tom Swift and His Ultrasonic Cycloplane” where they discovered an ancient city inside a volcano and some silly damn thing called ‘rare earths’ as if dirt was rare. Right. Wander over to the Collier’s encyclopaedia and have me a good lookup and by Jeez, wouldja look at that, Rare Earths.

Way better than my sisters’ Nancy Drew books, although I read those too. Hell, I read those encyclopaedias like they were Tom Swift novels.

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‘Tom Swift books‘ google string

Okay, so some of you may remember my earlier rant about CP24.

I have now formed the opinion that it is in fact a high school training ground for budding journalists.

It’s been obvious for years that many of the talking heads who read the news aren’t really all that educated in practical terms; they may have a degree and x number of years of experience, but not all of it took.

You will recall what I wrote about what happened when famous Japanese director Um Akeesha Uh Kuralakawaka died.

CP24 news-text-thingy writers have a problem recalling their high school English, and since they’re obviously still in high school, that’s bad.

I really should write these things down when I see them, but one error that seems to repeat is the mixup between the words ‘wave’ and ‘waive’. Using the former for the latter obviously changes the meaning of the phrase or sentence, sometimes hilariously. (”Humane Society waves adoption fees this weekend.”)

Now what prompted the urge to write this particular entry was an item that flashed by on the news-text-thingy last night after the Golden Globes.

Philip Seymour Hoffman was nominated for his role as Truman Capote in ‘Capote’ and Felicity Huffman was nominated for her role as a transgendered person in ‘Transamerica’. They both won in their categories.

However, some cornpone yokel from the journalism class at Dumbass Redneck High typed in that Philip Seymour Huffman had won for his role in Transamerica. I want to assume it was a joke (hyuck-hyuck-hyuck) but I have to assume it was the usual editorial ignorance, thoughtlessness and lack of attention to dteail.

But I’m sure you can imagine my reaction.

(It was laughter.)

Oh, and CNN’s Darin Kagin told us recently that Alaska’s Augustine Volcano erupted on an uninhibited island. Sometimes a cigar ain’t just a cigar.

You know, like when you say one thing and mean your mother.

You know what’s fun?

Go to Blackmask, this great online archive of public domain books of all kinds - blows my mind how much stuff of all kinds they’ve got, seriously - and click on the small ‘RANDOM BOOK’ link in the top right quadrant of the page, right under the RIGHT HERE in the ‘ GO PROOF A PAGE, WE’LL WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU’ link.

Check out what it gives you, then hit BACK and do it again.

Then do it again.

Know what else is fun?

Go to Wikipedia and click on the ‘Random article’ link in the lefthand sidebar.

You don’t have to hit BACK to do it again because the sidebar stays with you.

So do it again.

If any of the many of you out there know of any other sites with random type links like that, please let me know.

It’s fun and interesting.

Just like you.

I give you Warp Factor Love.

Kittens, hearts and rainbows, my friends. Kittens, hearts and rainbows.

Today on the way from my place near Wellesley and Parliament to the main reference library just north of Yonge and Bloor, I passed the Good Luck Bum.

From an addled brain, through toothless gums and a grizzled beard, he was promising Good Luck Guaranteed for your friends and loved ones if you donated to him.

I was intrigued, but not credulous. After all, there but for the fluctuations in a randomly determined set of observations go I.

Wheeee!

Hey, an entrepreneurial opportunity is an entrepreneurial opportunity.