Archive for July, 2005

I Hate Kids

Monday, July 25th, 2005

Anybody who knows me knows how much I dislike children. Not just some children, like the wicked hellions my friends are raising, but all kids.

Did you see the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Remember the crazy old man who travelled around with a cage on wagon and a net to capture children, who were illegal in the country of Vulgaria. That would be me.

And don’t get me started about happy, well-behaved children in public places! They’re just saving it all up. For the worst possible time.

Kids are sly. You know how people say they’re sick of precociously witty and intelligent children in rubber-stamp US sitcoms? It’s because that part’s not made up. Children are all really like that in real life. The parents just don’t see it. But I do.

I’m warning you. Stay away from children! They’ll sap your energy and play with your head. You’ll end up just like me.

Be warned, be afraid, and run away, for the love of God.

I Said “Frickin’

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005

At the end of my contribution to Laura’s Project Begonia birthday surprise for Peter, I swear I said “Frickin’ Aliens!”

Yes, I know what it sounds like and I was shocked to hear how it sounded when I listened to/watched/looked at the whole presentation when Laura put it on line. Now, I do swear, and I’m good at it, but I try not to do it when it’s inappropriate, but, of course, I’m the judge of that.

Trust me, I said “Frickin”.

Fuckin’ cheap computer microphones.


James Doohan has died at 85.

I’m Sorry, Dave. I’m Afraid You Can’t Do That.

Monday, July 18th, 2005

What’s the problem with technology? Specifically mine.

A month or so ago, one Tuesday or Wednesday when the heat index hit 45 - that’s Celsius for all my American fans, whatever it is in Fahrenheit you must figure out for yourselves, consider it an intellectual exercise, which would be something new to some of you…

Where was I?

Yeah. Technology. 45 Celsius. Both my computers crashed that day. I have no air-conditioning; both machines have two case fans each plus the power supply fan. I had the cases open and an oscillating floor fan and a small desktop fan aimed at them.

The monitor on one started to futz and while I was thinking WTF, the other machine just stopped, then the first one did.

When they finally recovered, my 8 gig harddrive was being reported by Win2K’s Recovery Console as being two 200 gig drives (yes, I counted very carefully) with 2 8 meg unformatted partitions. When I rebooted again, the drive was back to normal size, but it had no file system. I didn’t lose a lot of apps, but almost all of my ill-gotten mp3s. Shows to go ya.

Since then, there have been nothing but problems, except when there weren’t of course, but mild hyperbole tells the story, not objective clinical description of my day-to-day computering without the rancour.

I lost one small, old harddrive without about half of a friend’s fortieth birthday project on it. They were sound files some of which were a bitch to produce in the first place - long story, remind to tell you some time - but I did.

Also lost in the first big crash was a collection of sound effects files from library CDs. The collections were cool; horror movie noises, sci-fi, general, that sort of thing. Some of the sci-fi files were to be used in the birthday project, so I tried to fake them up, failing miserably - but learning a bit in the process.

After many, probably weather-related problems and one or two stupid-user caused problems (hardware reconfig; this processor with that memory, this DVD-ROM on that machine), things finally stabilized and I was able to finish the project, late, and of less than sterling quality, but rockin’ nevertheless.

I was away house-sitting for most of last week at Elvis and Cordelia’s house in Scarborough. I’d left my machines on but came back specifically to turn them off and close my windows when we were expecting the tail end of Hurricane Dennis to hit us, which it didn’t.

I got back home on Saturday, booted up my machines, only to find that the one that I play DVDs on had lost its virtual memory. This caused a cascade of other problems, not the least of which was that I couldn’t restore the virtual memory settings because it was too slow to work. Nrgl!

I had to reinstall Windows 2000 on that machine and then restore all the apps as well.

Now I hate doing all this crap all the time, but truth be told, I always learn something. It might only save five minutes off recovering from the next catastrophic collapse, but hey, five minutes here, five minutes there, pretty soon you’re down to no catastrophe at all.

If only real life could really be like that, really. And civilization.

Yeah, I wish.

Infinity In A Grain Of Sand

Tuesday, July 12th, 2005

Reid has Google Earth. It’s so cool, I have no words.

No, wait.

Here is an image with my tags on it, showing Kirkfield, the village where I was born, and other things. As it all is now from space, of course, (virtual height of about 32,000 ft) not as it was then, in my imagination.

It may need to be enlarged, by viewing outside your browser, to read my annotations properly. Firefox and Explorer display the page quite differently both on a Mac (as does Safari) and a PC.

It’s a little bit of my history, made with a little bit of our future.

once I thought the world was all that you see...

You’re looking at three small lakes all joined by the Trent Canal. The lake in the middle was low land flooded to allow the canal to go through. When I was a child, we called it ‘The Drowneded Lands”. The lake to the right is Balsam Lake, all natural, and the tongue of water to the left is Canal Lake, also artificial, with the oddly named Antiquary Beach on an island, a beach new in the Fifties (probably; the sand probably being carted in for the tourists, although the area is very sandy and gravely too, the Ice Age, you know…)

The straight blue line in the upper left quadrant curving to the left is the Trent Canal, and it is on this section that one finds the third largest set of liftlocks of their type in the world. There are, at last count, only three of that type. The ovoid near the curve partially obscured by the push pin icon is a gravel quarry abandoned to flooding over forty years ago - you can see how close it is to the canal - the annotation tells you I nearly drowned there when I was thirteen. Many of my family worked there, until the powers could no longer pump enough water out of the pit to make gravel mining practical and profitable. My father and my older sister were, according to family legend, both born, twenty-five years apart, on the same kitchen table in my grandmother’s house on the quarry property.

When I was little this map was pretty much the extent of my world, this is what I thought of when I thought of the Whole Wide World. My grandparents lived near the Talbot River pushpin (although they didn’t think of it that way), and all my paternal relatives lived pretty much in the area of the image, and a few of my mother’s relatives lived not far outside the area; Burnt River and Peterborough.

The brown patches of countryside are, I think, drumlins, and perhaps moraines, certainly they’re mounds and hills of sand and gravel left by the glaciers. Some of my earliest memories are of going out with my father in his pickup into the country around Kirkfield to find one of these hills, already ‘mined’ by someone else, and fill up the back of the pickup truck with sand for our sand box. When we moved to Milton later, another town dependent - partly - on quarries, clay and gravel, I remember wondering why people ‘bought’ sand.

One memory I cherish is that of long, narrow, deep streams with high banks; clear water, big fish, rocks, algae, moss, running through cedar groves, which tend to be thick and dark, water running cold. We were warned off them - ‘if you fall in, you’ll drown’ - but I loved them anyway. I don’t have any memories of wandering off along such a stream and getting lost, but I wish I did.

It’s lovely country up there, but I understand it’s all tourists and retirees now.

And now a story that might as well be entitled ‘You Can’t Go Home Again’.

When I was a child the public school was right next door to our house, and only two rooms. My sister started Grade One when she should have started Kindergarten - and that’s another story.

The general store in Kirkfield was run by Jim and Rita Ewans (might be Ewens?) - I’m pretty sure that’s right, because I’m pretty sure I remember how really nice they were to us kids. The store had the classic dark wood and thick glass cabinets of such places in those days, and I’m pretty sure they had the big roll of brown paper on the countertop (and the roll of string up by the ceiling) to wrap our purchases. They had a big elderly dog named Queenie, or maybe Duchess, who just laid around and loved everybody who came into the store, especially kids (as I remember it). You could place your order on Wednesday and pick it up Thursday.

Then we moved and twenty five years later (late 80s?) , I went back. A friend had family living near Lake Simcoe and I talked him into a side trip. He parked on the curb and I went into the store. It was what I should have expected - fluorescent lights, Beefaroni on the shelf, Gatorade in the back cooler, an east Asian proprietor, and all the soft core porn on the top shelf with a board across it. I bought some gum and went out to the car, laughing.

I wish I could say something pseudo-deep like ‘the land remains’, but of course it doesn’t.

Besides that fact that most retirees and tourists don’t have a cat’s regard for the Ice Age, drumlins, moraines, the streams through cedar groves, the Kirkfield Limestones, or the Drowneded Lands (although I seem to recollect that we spelt it ‘the Drownded Lands’), this was once, and recently, all swamps and muskeg, left behind as the Ice Sheet, once four klicks thick there, and the ecosystems of the south crept north as the deep cold retreated.

Humans have never had such an effect on the world as Chicxulub, as the Ice Age, as the draining of Lake Agassiz until now.

I guess, Time being what it is, I don’t want to see what we make of my memories and imagination.

I’ll probably just laugh at it anyway as I get into the car.

Doctor Who Redux Again

Monday, July 4th, 2005

Saw the Victorian Era Charles Dickens Cardiff not Naples and 1869 not 1860 episode on CBC last night, a good story in itself, and obviously a setup for the second Slitheen episode and so now I understand better how the entire series isn’t a series of episodes, but one long story with distinctive nodes, as it were and if you will.

Hey, aiabx!

Monday, July 4th, 2005

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically
engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were
fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the
birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid
to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately,
he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across
sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

It’s true!

British Humour

Saturday, July 2nd, 2005

Just saw this on Plastic: “The English got rid of all their pesky intellectuals by sending them to Canada, their criminals by sending them to Australia, and their religious fanatics by sending them to America. ”

‘Nuff said.