A Scarlet Letter
Don’t know why this makes me so mad, but it does.
Jennifer Wilbanks, the Duluth, Georgia jogger who disappeared on Tuesday, just days before her own wedding, has turned up safe and sound (sic) in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
The prime suspect in her disappearance was her fiance, apparently, but he passed a lie detector test. Of course, with the general tenor of the story, it felt like he had beat the test, with Coles Notes for liars or something. For my many American readers, that’s like Cliff Notes or Lying for Dummies or something.
No way did she get cold feet, her friends and family said. Guess what? You probably already know, or have already assumed from the tone of this, it was cold feet.
She called local 911 this morning in Albuquerque to report she had been kidnapped by a man and a woman in a blue van. I was waiting for them to say ‘a black man’, but they didn’t. You may recall that when crazy white American women do something criminally crazy, they blame the mythical black man.
CNN reports this morning that she will likely not face charges in New Mexico, and her friends and family are just glad she’s back and safe. That’s what they’re saying to the media. I hope that when they get her home and in private they lambaste her like Elizabeth on Camilla after a frat dance. No ‘poor dear’, no ‘we understand how difficult this all must have been for you’, just a lot of yelling and swearing, peppered liberally with ’stupid’, ‘moron’, and ’spec-fucking-tacularly, ego-fucking-maniacally fill-in-the-fucking-blank, you stunned twat, you’. Pardon my French.
This woman may not even face charges in Georgia. One of her friends was on CNN this morning saying what a big deal a large wedding is, and how much pressure is on the bride. WTF? I mean seriously, WTF? A) She didn’t know this? and 2) her considered reaction to this pressure was to run five states away, then lie about it?
What a stupid, self-absorbed, egocentric, selfish, spoiled idiotic brat this Jennifer Wilbanks is! And she ain’t 19, she’s 32 years old. Grown up and responsible and everything.
People assumed the worst. It’s happened before, recently. A woman is reported to have gone out jogging, disappears, and is found later five meters down in a landfill. Dead, of course.
It’s early yet, but she may not face any charges in Georgia either. Her friends and family posted a $100,000 reward for information leading yada yada. They should use this to pay for the efforts of the local police, the GBI, FBI and, I don’t know, NMBI and Interpol. And if there isn’t a National Center for Missing and Exploited Idiots, there should be after this. With ice-water baths, intelligence tests and Ealing comedy hospital matrons.
Here’s what they should do, once a year for ten years. Put her in the back of an ass-drawn tumbrel, wearing a dunce cap, with a big scarlet ‘A’ (for Asshole) on her chest, and have her paraded through the streets of Duluth. People should be allowed to jeer and throw old food at her, formerly fresh fruits and vegetables only, though, nothing canned, and maybe McDonalds.
Rrrrr.